What’s led me here

Everything changed for me when I became a mother in 2013. My son was born 34 minutes before my 30th birthday and this marked the beginning of what has so far been a decade long journey of self-discovery and reconnection.

As a new mum I made certain decisions that aligned with my values but these were mostly related to my beliefs around how children deserve to be treated and my strong desire to protect the environment. 

But when it came to my overall approach to motherhood I was easily swayed by what others were doing and the pressures to be the perfect mum.

We knew we wanted our children to experience a wild childhood so in 2014 me & my partner Seb packed up our rented London flat, left our conventional 9-5 city life including our heavily invested in careers & with our 6 month old baby we embarked on an adventure into the unknown. 

We had been desperate to live a simpler, rural life for years and the arrival of our first child was the prompt we needed to finally make the move, a heavy responsibility to show this newborn that there was more to life than fitting into a box. 

We bought a property with my parents back home in the Norfolk countryside and began feeling our way through multi-generational living, reskilling for a life connected to the land and raising a family.

In the midst of all this, I lost touch with myself.

I had no interests outside my family and business and I forgot what lights me up as an individual.

I became all consumed by being everything for everyone, and left nothing for myself.

Constantly doing, pleasing, achieving.

I had changed all recognisable aspects of my life:

• Quit my career
• Left the city
• Had become a mother
• Was chasing my big, beautiful dreams

But I was a shell of myself, I was frustrated, impatient, overwhelmed, exhausted, depleted, fed up…

I’d carried my over-achieving tendencies from city life straight over to motherhood.

It took me several years to discover how far off track I’d become.

What became most apparent was how my obsession with nagging and controlling everything about family life was impacting majorly on one of my core values - connection with my family. Something had to change!

I had two young boys who deserved to experience a mother who is fulfilled, joyful and present.

We had intentionally redesigned our entire lifestyle - embarking on an adventure in smallholding; unschooling; land-based business; immersion in nature; multi-generational living. One that would cut us free from the shackles of modern life, that would be on our own terms, that nurtured a strong connection as a family, that would follow the rhythms of nature.

How was it that in hyper-focusing on everything being perfect in this new lifestyle, I wasn’t actually enjoying any of this magical life we’d created?

I saw that I am not alone, that there are far too many mothers who experience this season of life much the same as I was.

In a state of survival rather than thriving; with a feeling of resentment rather than gratitude; waking up exhausted rather than excited.

I came to see how bombarded we are as mothers by other people’s expectations of us and how judged we are when we don’t conform to the status quo.

I realised that from very, very young we’re trained to disconnect from our own truth, to disregard our needs and desires and to instead please others.

I noticed how little we’re encouraged to listen to our bodies and our emotions and instead we seek answers outside of ourselves.